INCONSISTENCY

We are not kids anymore

We are too grown for this

Your actions don’t match your words

And I can’t decipher what you are thinking.

I am not a mind reader

And if we can’t even have a conversation

About how you feel

Then what’s the point?

I feel like I’m constantly chasing you

And that this isn’t really a priority for you

At this point in our lives, given how busy we both are

Neither of us can afford to let an inconsistent “relationship” drag on

I need to be with someone who is consistent and fully committed

Someone who inspires me and challenges me

And you need someone who lets you be yourself, who won’t want to change you

You are definitely entitled to that

If this isn’t what you want, if there is someone out there you feel is better for you

Don’t hold on to this because you don’t want to hurt me

I would rather you just be honest with me and let’s keep it moving

I appreciate that so much more and I won’t hold it against you

If initially you thought you could do this, but now you’re not so sure

That’s okay too. It’s just human nature. All I want is for you to be honest.

Because if this is what you wanted, you would be giving it your 100%

We’ve been through this before, and I can’t accept less than full effort

So let’s call a spade a spade

And agree to let this thing go. 

And to whomever you ultimately wish to end up with

Don’t keep them waiting forever

When you find that person that does it for you, act immediately

Don’t second guess and toss and turn

Just act

Don’t do this thing you often do in relationships where when you are tired of being in it, you are too afraid to break up with the person so you withdraw and frustrate them to the point that they break up with you

It is not cool

Don’t be a coward and perpetually test the waters

Take the bold step, take the risk and commit! Then follow through

On Him

I am not ready for a relationship. I thought I was but what I wanted was a quick fix to make me feel better and ease the sting of rejection and the hurt of the things that went wrong in my last relationship, and the last time WE dated.

In reality, there is so much work to do on the inside of me. I’ve been chasing after something intangible in a way… running from God and seeking solace in the secular; trying to “wing it” and figure out my standard. But instead, I’ve just sunk deeper and deeper into this shadow of the person I used to be. So unsure of everything now, second-guessing all my decisions and focused on self-preservation and avoiding hurt.

I feel I have no more foundation/I am not grounded. I toyed briefly with agnosticism but the frustration of no longer knowing what I believed in or what TO believe in made me inconsiderate, selfish, and drove me to poor choices that were so inconsistent with my innermost being/character.

So, I realized, it is wrong of me to expect you to get yourself together or sort yourself out or make a stable commitment when I have so much I need to sort out myself and I have to commit to who I am and what I value. I’ve discovered that a life without a strong faith and commitment to God is meaningless, fruitless, wasted, and I just need to get back to life with God, and get back to being a more considerate, more compassionate, and more loving person.

I can’t ask or expect you to make these huge sacrifices when I can’t even be the kind of person I want you to be. I don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns or behaviours that confuse or obscure my principles. If I enter this now, I will end up like A who went back and forth on her convictions…rigged with internal turmoil, and eventually leaving you with an ultimatum. I don’t want to start something I cannot finish.

To cut a long story short, with you I’ve been trying to fill a void that really I needed God to take care of and I’ve put a lot of pressure on you. I need to reconnect with God, renew my commitment and be faithful to that commitment before I enter another relationship. You are under no obligation whatsoever to wait. But if you want to, and only if you want to, if you are fully committed, and if you promise to value me, you are welcome to take this journey with me. 

A Discussion

Number 1
I'll be honest, I like you. And probably more importantly, I respect you. You're a man of integrity and principle and I'm drawn to your character. In fact, I think I've probably liked you for a long time but I haven't allowed myself to recognize what exactly it is I feel/felt for you. 


Number 2
I take my relationships quite seriously. With me, there really is no in between. I think that because we know each other so well and because we have an understanding (somewhat) of what we both want in the long term, the whole concept of "lets just see where this goes" isn't really possible. Basically, whatever we have automatically has some level of seriousness and, dare I say, exclusivity because we are such good friends and because we respect each other so much. I don't want anything that will deteriorate into "just a fling". I value our friendship far too much to reduce it to that. I believe in intentionality when pursuing relationships and I think that this is important from a Christian point of view. 


Number 3
Having said that, I agree that there is value in taking things slowly. We know each other as friends and we've shared a lot but this doesn't automatically translate into being "right" for each other or understanding each other's relationship needs as a man or as a woman. I want to get to know you even better and hopefully you want the same thing too. 


Number 4
As the man, I believe in letting you take the lead and providing some direction for the nature of this relationship. When a man wants something, he goes after it and doesn't have to be pushed. So if this is what you want, I expect you to show it and to initiate. I think based on all that I've shared with you about my past relationship and about my parents' marriage, you probably already know how important this is to me. 


Number 5
I know you brushed this off when I first brought it up, but I think the issue of your ex-girlfriend is a real one and needs to be addressed at some point. She and I recently became friends, partly for your benefit. Now that you've split, if you and I ever decide to become a "we" then I will need to tell her. Otherwise, it feels like I am betraying a friend, particularly because she opened up to me  a bit about some of her feelings concerning your relationship. Plus, we all have common friends and our relationship can't exist outside of these friendships so I have to keep in mind how improper things might appear from the outside in. I don't want anyone feeling hurt or backstabbed in all this. 


Number 6
Let's both take the appropriate amount of time needed to heal some of the hurts or work through some of the difficult emotional spillovers of our past relationships. And probably talk about them with each other too, so we both know what to expect and we both understand how our past experiences may influence our current points of view. 


Number 7 
And ultimately, we're both Christians so there's a higher standard we're called to. Let's pray about this and gain an understanding of if this is really God's will for both of us. On the same note, we also need to set physical boundaries. For me, sex before marriage is completely out of the question. And to take it a step further, we should both try not to put each other in compromising situations.