Wednesday, August 21, 2013

On Him

I am not ready for a relationship. I thought I was but what I wanted was a quick fix to make me feel better and ease the sting of rejection and the hurt of the things that went wrong in my last relationship, and the last time WE dated.

In reality, there is so much work to do on the inside of me. I’ve been chasing after something intangible in a way… running from God and seeking solace in the secular; trying to “wing it” and figure out my standard. But instead, I’ve just sunk deeper and deeper into this shadow of the person I used to be. So unsure of everything now, second-guessing all my decisions and focused on self-preservation and avoiding hurt.

I feel I have no more foundation/I am not grounded. I toyed briefly with agnosticism but the frustration of no longer knowing what I believed in or what TO believe in made me inconsiderate, selfish, and drove me to poor choices that were so inconsistent with my innermost being/character.

So, I realized, it is wrong of me to expect you to get yourself together or sort yourself out or make a stable commitment when I have so much I need to sort out myself and I have to commit to who I am and what I value. I’ve discovered that a life without a strong faith and commitment to God is meaningless, fruitless, wasted, and I just need to get back to life with God, and get back to being a more considerate, more compassionate, and more loving person.

I can’t ask or expect you to make these huge sacrifices when I can’t even be the kind of person I want you to be. I don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns or behaviours that confuse or obscure my principles. If I enter this now, I will end up like A who went back and forth on her convictions…rigged with internal turmoil, and eventually leaving you with an ultimatum. I don’t want to start something I cannot finish.

To cut a long story short, with you I’ve been trying to fill a void that really I needed God to take care of and I’ve put a lot of pressure on you. I need to reconnect with God, renew my commitment and be faithful to that commitment before I enter another relationship. You are under no obligation whatsoever to wait. But if you want to, and only if you want to, if you are fully committed, and if you promise to value me, you are welcome to take this journey with me. 

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