I
am not ready for a relationship. I thought I was but what I wanted was a quick
fix to make me feel better and ease the sting of rejection and the hurt of the
things that went wrong in my last relationship, and the last time WE dated.
In
reality, there is so much work to do on the inside of me. I’ve been chasing
after something intangible in a way… running from God and seeking solace in the
secular; trying to “wing it” and figure out my standard. But instead, I’ve just
sunk deeper and deeper into this shadow of the person I used to be. So unsure
of everything now, second-guessing all my decisions and focused on
self-preservation and avoiding hurt.
I
feel I have no more foundation/I am not grounded. I toyed briefly with
agnosticism but the frustration of no longer knowing what I believed in or what
TO believe in made me inconsiderate, selfish, and drove me to poor choices that
were so inconsistent with my innermost being/character.
So,
I realized, it is wrong of me to expect you to get yourself together or sort
yourself out or make a stable commitment when I have so much I need to sort out
myself and I have to commit to who I am and what I value. I’ve discovered that
a life without a strong faith and commitment to God is meaningless, fruitless,
wasted, and I just need to get back to life with God, and get back to being a
more considerate, more compassionate, and more loving person.
I
can’t ask or expect you to make these huge sacrifices when I can’t even be the
kind of person I want you to be. I don’t want to keep repeating the same
patterns or behaviours that confuse or obscure my principles. If I enter this
now, I will end up like A who went back and forth on her convictions…rigged
with internal turmoil, and eventually leaving you with an ultimatum. I don’t
want to start something I cannot finish.
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